#28
To start, a deep thank you to each beautiful human that took time to make me feel special on my birthday. Your words; phone calls, texts, social media messages + posts. Perfect gifts. Quality time (and allowing me cook). Doing my dishes + driving to Me. My messy heart is still overflowing going into week 2 of #28.
For the last 58 days I’ve been on somewhat of an unofficial “social media break” of sorts. While there have been many sleepless nights spent mind numbingly scrolling through my Insta stories, there’s been little to no human communication, nor any posting, liking or commenting. To be honest, that lack of communication leaked over into every part of my life beyond social media. I’ve been pretty nonexistent. So I guess you could call this my birthday come back post.
While on said “social media break” there was, and still is, a LOT of soul searching. There has been a wide variety of other “breaks” in my life over the last 58 days. Some people, some work, some simply from my own self. And though I would love to sit here and tell you in that time I got it all figured out, I simply DON’T. Some days I feel further away than when I started. While there are so many things I have learned, right now they feel like really small pieces to a really damn big puzzle. There’s been so much ‘still.’ And in that still I have heard God louder than ever before.
In a Moment of Still
I cannot count the number of people in my life (including, but not limited to, family, friends, professionals + strangers) that have told me “you should try journaling.” And every time I wanna explode. My brain screams “I don’t want to write. That doesn’t help me. I hate my handwriting. If I spell something wrong I wanna throw it away and start over. I have nothing worth writing. There is no chance that’s going to ever help me.” And then one fine day while sitting in an empty parking lot I had yet another panic attack. And my brain said “why don’t you open a draft in your blog and brain dump. Not sentences, not anything that may even make sense to any other reader, not even something you’ll ever look at again. Just DUMP whatever pops into your brain, in order.” And so I did. And just like that, some (but certainly not all) of that anxiety went out of my body and made residence on “paper” in pretty, on-brand fonts and colors. It was out of my brain space, but still documented. And I swear I could have heard God verbally laugh and say “that’s the same thing as journaling you dumb ass. Listen next time your people talk.”
May those brain dump drafts never see the light of day on the internet. However; there are pieces on this continuing journey of healing that do deserve a home on this corner of mine on the internet. I pray they may bless others, but even if they don’t, this documentation journey is for my soul. To later look back and see these small, tiny, sometimes microscopic, pieces of a puzzle come together. And that deserves a better (and prettier) home than social media. If you wanna find more of me, please fill out the fields + hit the button below to be notified every time a new post hits the blog.
